


I'll Spare You A Thought, Always

by legolahs



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Fluffy/angsty drabble, Implied Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 13:33:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolahs/pseuds/legolahs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor tries to think of a world without River Song, but he can't. He doesn't want to let go, but everybody knows that all things must come to an end... and nobody knows it like him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Spare You A Thought, Always

**Author's Note:**

  * For [allthehouseslookthesame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthehouseslookthesame/gifts).



He thinks back to the day they met, so many years ago. She knew all his secrets. He had no idea who she was.

Even the notion of that seems so strange now. There isn't a memory that he values where she isn't there - she had wormed her way into his thoughts, leaving her gentle touch- a trace, a path in his thoughts. It is almost as if there had always been a place reserved for her in his hearts.

He remembers their easy banter. The elusive River Song and the mysterious Doctor, arguing like an old married couple. Though, he supposes, that's what they are. 

Then there's the arguments. Love is always a strong one - love for others over the love for self. It's a terribly selfless act, sacrifice in the name of love.

She hates it. He knows she does, but he can't stop doing it, because he loves her. So much. He would do it again in a heartbeat. There was no doubt.

He loves every aspect of her. The very first, he recalls, is her air of mysteriousness. He fell head over heels in love with an idea, with the idea of a woman wrapped in an enigma of herself. The enigma of River Song. One that he'll never grow tired of solving.

He wouldn't have it any other way.

He knows that they are doomed to inevitable suffering. Such is the cost of the life of a time traveller, though sometimes he lays in bed and thinks that they pulled the short end of the straw.

If he were younger he may have succumbed to the foolish inhibitions of his hearts, the yammerings of love, and said, fuck it - bathe in his desires and please himself, just once, let himself be free. Yet he is aged by his years, and the plague of broken hearts follows his tears like the dying symphony by a marching band. Sometimes he thinks the band is too loud, or is stepping to close to his teardrops. Such is the guilt we cannot control.

Still, he cannot stop himself from loving, as he believes the core emotion is to love, love until you are nothing but a speck of dust, but love. He envisions his love for her as a poem written across galaxies, but in an alternate universe where he holds the key. It may have been his one mistake (weakness) to spread his vulnerabilities across the stars for her to collect, but one he will never regret.

Time is finite, as he knows better than anyone. Everyone's time runs out in the hourglass of life - only a fool would have tried to stop it. Yet he believes he is a fool, on instinct, trapping his most valued possessions into a box and keeping the key.

"You are an echo, River."

This he knows well. But how can you tell someone to stop holding on? To let the claws of death carve out a hole in your hearts, ne'er to be replaced by the one you hold dearest?

He can always see her, hear her, touch her. Like a ghost among his thoughts, fleeting moments that could've been. Though there is no use of reliving the past, he tells himself, even if the past isn't enough. He thinks that's the most ironic thing.

He had always known it would hurt. But the most he could have was someone alongside him to hold him when the waves hit the shore. Because sometimes, the most you can do is brace yourself for a face full of pain, knowing that the journey will be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> for allthehouseslookthesame, whom I would not be the same without. Don't forget to be awesome.


End file.
